Smack
by Sun Tzu
Summary: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her worlds come crashing together and she must face her past? Five new chapters up. Now, this is 6/6. Sequel is called Wounds and is coming soon!!!
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13-maybe R later on, but the rating will be changed when needed.  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
*  
  
Chapter One: Runaway, Little Girl  
  
*  
Listen. You can be anything you want to be. Be careful. It's a spell. It's magic. Listen to the words. You can be anything, you can do anything, you can be anything, you can do anything. Listen to the magic. -Smack ('Lily')  
*  
"Shall we begin?" The scruffy man asks me.  
  
I raise my head to meet his eyes. "Of course."  
  
"Why don't you start by telling me your name." He picks up his pencil and puts its tip to the paper.  
  
"Which one?" I ask. I know which ones he wants, but why not have a little fun?  
  
"The ones you use the most." He grunts.  
  
"Alison Kraviko and Sydney." I tell him, leaving the second last name off intentionally.  
  
"Sydney what?" He queries.  
  
I lean back in my chair. I really need a smoke.  
  
"Sydney Bristow." I mumble it.  
  
He sees how uncomfortable I look, but just as any CIA asshole would normally do, he continues the interrogation.  
  
"Place and date of birth?"   
  
"Los Angeles, California, April 17, 1979." I answer.  
  
"Parents?" He asks.  
  
"Orphan." I lie. He won't get to know me that quick. I know, the minute I tell him their names, if he already hasn't figured it out himself, I will be revealed. Revealed as Jack's little girl. The one that ran away. When she was only 13. I know he thought I was dead after I left and never wrote or called. He probably thought I got killed on the streets. Yeah, right. I can take care of myself.  
  
He continues.  
  
"Adoptive parents?"  
  
Any more ridiculous questions and I'll hit him. The only thing to do, I suppose, is to start from the beginning. So I do just that.  
  
"Sydney Bristow was my name until I turned 13. I was not an orphan. My mother died when I was 6. My father works for the CIA. I ran away from home on my 13 birthday. I ended up in Russia where I have been living for the last 9 years working as a spy for an agency called K-Directorate which is run by Alexander Khasinau. He recruited me at 15 and gave me a new name. Alison Kraviko. Last week, Khasinau was assassinated and K-Directorate was taken down. So here I am." I rush it all out in one breath.  
  
He looks stunned. Good. He's just another CIA jackass. Just like my father.  
  
"Excuse me for a moment." He leaves abruptly.  
  
I fiddle with my nose-ring absentmindedly. I wonder how Sark's debrief is going.  
  
I suppose I must be a sight to be seen right about now. Dirty-blonde hair, brown eyes. Nose-ring, multiple earrings, belly button piercing. Multiple tattoos. Stuff I did when I was drunk. Low cut top and skimpy shorts. My slutty outfit. Technically, that is pretty much what I am. After I left home when I was 13, I got as many piercings as I could afford. I met Sark and lost my virginity to him on the day we met. Got into a little heroin. Got off it after about a year when I was recruited with Sark. I still smoke fags though. I've run missions for K-Directorate and become one of their best agents. Until Khasinau was assassinated and the agency destroyed. Damn those MI5 agents. Khasinau was like a father to me. He was better than my own.  
  
My father was the very reason I ran away. He was never around. He didn't love me. So I figured, why hang around this dump when I could be having fun? So I ran away.  
  
I am starting to think that having Sark and myself turn ourselves in to the CIA was a bad idea. My father would probably be dead by now, with all the missions he went on when I knew him. I didn't really care. That would just be one more parent out of my hair.  
  
Just as I am getting annoyed with the CIA's lack of attention, someone opens the door.  
  
"Hey babe." Sark saunters toward me.  
  
"Hey." I kiss him roughly. Nothing is ever gentle with Sark. Not sex. Not work. Not kissing.  
  
"Those bastards making you wait around?" He asks, sitting down next to me.   
  
I nod.  
  
"Yeah, same here."  
  
"Let's get some coffee." He suggests, pulling me up from the chair with him.  
  
I smile slightly and follow him. His hand is soon protectively around my waist as we walk around aimlessly, looking for anything resembling a coffee room. Agents are everywhere. Leaning over desks, arguing, being bossed by their superiors. Typical.   
  
My eyes find a small group of agents in a corner talking rapidly. A young man, probably in his late 20s with blondish hair. Another young man with black hair, a little overweight. A few older men. A young blonde woman. A few more older men including the one that was debriefing me....and ....my father.  
  
I freeze, forcing Sark to stop in his tracks as well.  
  
"Ally, what's the matter?" He asks, staring at me intently and eventually following my eyes onto the rotunda. He sees my father.  
  
I swallow hesitantly, "I don't know if I can face him." I state simply. "Remember, he thinks I have been dead all these years. He doesn't know me or what I've been though. The drugs. The punters. Everything."  
  
"You can. Don't worry. He'll understand." Sark pulls me to him tighter than ever. Just at that moment, Jack suddenly turns toward us, as does everyone else.  
  
It feels like the whole room is looking at me. They know who Alison is, for I am famous for my mission successes and known as the best agent K-Directorate or any agency for that matter has ever seen, but they did not know that Sydney was Alison because there were never any pictures of me.   
  
I suddenly feel exposed and slightly embarrased or shameful in my shorts and tank top. Sark notices my sudden change in confidence and turns me around, heading us back toward the conference room. But I refuse.   
  
"I need to face him Sark." I tell him.  
  
"Do you want me to come with you?" He asks tentatively.  
  
"Would you please? I might need you to get me out of here if it doesn't go well." My voice wavers a bit.  
  
He kisses me full on the mouth in reply.  
  
We break apart and walk slowly toward my father, his arm firmly secured around my waist once again.  
  
"Sydney?" My father says as we reach him.  
  
"It's Alison now." I spit back.  
  
"Sorry. Alison. It's good to see you again. I....all these years...I..I thought you had....died." He mumbles quietly, not meeting my eyes.  
  
"Yeah. Well, I'm no idiot." I reply dryly, almost mockingly. He deserves to be mocked. He is so clueless.  
  
"So, have you come to join the CIA?" He asks tentatively, definetly trying to change the topic. Jackass.  
  
"It looks that way." I tell him, void of any emotion.   
  
I should probably try to be more civil to him, but some things in the past I can't ever forgive or forget. He was never around and it destroyed my confidence. That is why I ran away. I want him to feel sorry for what he did. I really do.  
  
"And Mr. Sark will as well?" He motions to Sark who is holding me tight. The one person keeping me grounded now.  
  
"Of course. You don't think I'd leave Ally alone with you brutes, do you?" He answers albeit playfully.  
  
"No. Not at all." My father hates him already. Good.  
  
I hardly notice when the group around us clears their throats almost simultaneously.  
  
"So, I think we can wait till tomorrow for the rest of the debriefing, perhaps you would like to get a hotel room and rest till then." The blondish haired man suggests. He looks nervous. Good.  
  
"Of course, but let me introduce you to some of our agents. This is Michael Vaughn, Eric Weiss, Director Kendall, and Christine Phillips. They will be following your case closely." Jack adds.  
  
I nod to the agents.  
  
"Could you..." Jack eyes the agents.  
  
They walk away, busying themselves with other useless tasks. Robots.  
  
"Before you go, there is something I should tell you." My father looks about him wearily.  
  
"Come with me." He heads to an empty conference room and we all sit down.  
  
"I need to tell you something, Sydney, you need to know the truth." He calls me by my old name but I don't pay much attention. Old habits die hard.  
  
I nod, urging him to go on.  
  
"Your mother did not die in a car accident. She worked for the KGB.......................... ......................................................................... She turned herself in to the CIA several months ago. We are holding her downstairs, if you want to,....see her." Jack leans back in his chair, obviously unsure of how I would take the news.  
  
I swallow hard. It is getting difficult to breathe. I feel Sark grab my hand with his own as I stare into space. My mother is alive. She was a traitor, like me. She killed countless people, like me. Just like me. Just like her.  
  
"I...I want to see her. Please." I fight back the tears that threaten to spill any second now.  
  
"Alright."   
  
*  
  
My father has led us down two elevators and a staircase already. We are in the bowels of the CIA Joint Task Force building and my nerves are hopping like mad. I didn't know whether to be jumpin mad or freaking and crying.   
  
Sark keeps on wincing this annoying little gimic. I suddenly realize, after he'd done it enough to irritate me, that I am squeezing his hand to its breaking point. He seems more than grateful when I release it and puts his arm around my waist. Right where it belongs.  
  
Two black gates raise in front of us. My father goes in first, and we follow hesitantly.   
  
"Jack. I didn't expect you today, is something the matter?" A woman's voice ponders. A slight russian accent. Like mine.  
  
"Yes, in fact, a new development has occured." He answers, gesturing to us.   
  
All I can do is stand there, looking at my mother. My very own mother. The one I havn't seen in 18 years. The one I always looked up to. The one I constantly missed. The one I would have given anything to be with. But some of the things I thought were not true. She was a traitor, but yet, so am I. I knew very well that K-Directorate was an enemy of the United States. I knew they were very rogue and dangerous. But I was still thrilled to join. I was only 15 and feeling lost and alone, except for Sark of course. K-Directorate gave me a new life. They helped me discover myself. They rehibilitated me and got me and Sark off herion. They helped me understand that my father worked for the CIA, and that it was good for me to work against his agency. They helped me understand that I was getting revenge for his horrible parenting skills. They took care of me. They made me the best I could ever be. But they also lied. And now, they're gone. So what do I have left? What do I do now?  
  
Should I accept my mother and be kind to her. Let her get to know me and allow myself to get to know her? What?  
  
She stared wide-eyed at me. She mirrored my suprise.   
  
I began feeling shameful again when she still stared open-mouthed. I must be a disgrace to her. 'Skimpy slut with piecings and tattoos everywhere they shouldn't be.' I would have laughed had I not been so preoccupied.  
  
I could already feel the carefully applied mascara and eye shadow and eye liner getting ready to slide down my face as soon as I let the tears fall. But I wouldn't let them this time, no, not this time.  
  
Okay, so maybe I would. They fell so rapidly. Once I started, I just couldn't stop. It was like herion. Once you start you just can't stop without an unbearable struggle that seems to last forever and ever, only worsening as the days pass.  
  
My mother started crying too. It was horrible. Just unbelievably awful. When I just couldn't stand to look at the woman who was such a newfound mystery to me, Sark allowed me to turn to him and cry into his chest. I must have been there, just standing, gripping his jacket for half an hour. My mother was pressing her hands into the glass to support herself. It was horrendous. I felt the same way I did when I was 14 and....  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"I'm going to have a baby." Ally said. Just right out of the blue.  
  
Christ!  
  
"Oh my God! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?" Sark's eyes bulged.  
  
"Will you...get an abortion?" Sark asked quietly.  
  
"I'm not gonna kill my baby. That's my baby. No one's gonna kill my baby." Ally paced the room. "Never."  
  
"I didn't say kill it." Sark answered, eyeing her carfully.  
  
"I said I'm going to HAVE a baby. Give birth to it and all. There's going to be a baby. A baby, Sark..." She spit back convincingly.  
  
"You're a junkie, Ally. Maybe you ought to have an abortion, for the baby's sake." Sark pleaded carefully.  
  
"I don't kill people just because they happen to be accidents, Sark." She told him, frowning.  
  
"Your baby is a junkie. Your baby is inside you and it's full of junk, same as you. You want to give birth to a junkie? Is that what you want? Is that how much you love your bloody baby?" Sark was yelling now.  
  
"Are you telling me it'd be better off dead?!" Ally screamed back.  
  
"I'm telling you it's not fair to your baby to be pregnant with it while you're full of junk. What sort of mother..." Sark hissed.  
  
"I can give up the herion any time I want. I am stronger than all of you, than everyone."   
  
Sark just laughed. I mean, it wasn't funny but under other circumstances it would've been. The number of times they'd tried to give up-he'd lost count. Dunno why. It used to be easy. Maybe the comedown's worse when you've been using for a while. First you get the shivers. Then you get the aches, then the cramps start in your guts, then it's the squits and you're diving into the bog every five minutes. Then your teeth start aching, and your bones begin to hurt, and then you feel sick in the pit of your stomach and then you're throwing up.  
  
And all it takes is one needle and Lady Herion makes you feel.....mmmmmmm.  
  
Sark was gobsmacked. It never occured to him that Ally might want a baby. I mean, apart from the junk, it could be anyone's. It was the way they earned their money. Ally would stand on a corner. Wait to be picked up. Make sure Sark made himself visible to the punter, have him watch her back and make sure she's paid properly. Five minutes of laying on her back and Ally would be paid and returned. In half an hour, they could make a couple hundred. It paid for food, housing, the lot. All in under 5 minutes per person.  
  
An average of 5 guys every few days left a wide range of possible fathers for the baby, it could have been Sark or some random guy she didn't know the name of.  
  
"If you're sure you can handle it, I'm with you all the way. We'll quit the herion, and make a nice life for ourselves and our new baby." Sark tried to be positive.  
  
"Thank you Sark," Ally softened, "I love you so much." "Both of you," She added, rubbing her hand over her still flat stomach.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
That was all of 10 years ago. They did get off the junk, with Khasinau's help when he recruited an already pregnant Ally, but it wasn't soon enough. The baby died in the birth canal.  
  
Fighting with her own mother was almost as horrible as remembering those times they had struggled so hard but had still suffered so greatly. Losing their first child. Nothing could compare. Except maybe this.  
  
"I...thought you were dead, Sydney." Irina whispered, her voice hoarse with tears.  
  
Ally had been so lost in her own world of tears and sadness that she hadn't even noticed when Irina started to speak.  
  
Sark nudged her gently, urging her to address Irina.  
  
Ally wiped at her eyes furiously. "I....I'm not Sydney." Ally responded finally, her voice livid with anger, "My name is Alison Kraviko."   
  
Irina nodded, confused. "No, no, you're Sydney. My baby girl. The one that ran away." Irina searched her daughter's eyes.  
  
"Sydney died when she ran away. Alison lived. Not Sydney." Ally hissed. "Don't call me that name ever again."  
  
The tears were replaced by an upsetting air of confusion.  
  
"You're Sydney, my Sydney." Irina kept whispering, over and over again.  
  
Ally shook her head profusely.   
  
The battle seemed to go on for hours, it was boggling.  
  
After it was too much to take, Sark asked my father to take me upstairs while he had a talk with Irina.  
  
I followed reluctantly, trying to remember how to trust my loved ones. I was trying very hard.  
  
I could barely hear what they were saying, but all I needed to hear was the first sentence until I knew exactly what was going to go down.  
  
"You are not her mother. A mother would know her daughter inside and out. You have no idea what Ally's been through. No one does. And no one ever even bothers to ask. I am the only person she can trust because of you and Jack. You abandoned her. He ignored her. She has been through so much, so very much, and she deserves all of your love and understanding." Sark must have left the room soon after that because he was upstairs only five minutes behind us.  
  
He immediately wrapped me in his arms and held me while I cried.   
  
"Let's go back to the hotel. We can finish the debrief tomorrow." Sark told me.  
  
I nodded solemnly.  
  
"That should be fine, we'll need you back by noon tomorrow though." My father said from behind us.  
  
And with his arm firmly around my waist, we left the CIA. Good. 


	2. Chapter Two

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
  
A/N: Thanks so much for all the great feedback! Yah Right. I got like one review!!! Thank you soooo much ReeCee!!! This chapter is dedicated to you since you are the only person who seems to care about this story!! LOL! C'mon ppl! Show me the love!!! Somebody's got to be reading this! Are people today just too selfish and busy to review my little old story? WHAT CAN I DO TO GET YOU PEOPLE TO REVIEW???!!!  
Also, as I might have or have not mentioned earlier, Vaughn will becoming a main character very soon!! Hint hint hint!!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Two: A Family Discussion  
  
*  
  
"You always think that you can keep it safely tucked away, that no one needs to know, that you don't need comfort. You think you're over it. You think it's in the past. You always think, but you never know." -BPG  
  
*  
If someone had told me that at this moment, I would be working for the CIA and seeing my parents for the first time in forever, I would have told them that they were fucking insane.   
Everything just seems so strange and uncomfortable. I don't really know how to start off talking to my parents about the last 10 years of my life. It all just seems too ironic.  
  
I finished with the debrief interview and then filled out and signed documents upon documents pertaining to my life with K-Directorate. It was exhausting. Sark finished his up as well, but we both agreed to leave every part involving the drugs, prostitution, and pregnancy out. They didn't deserve or need to know about that just yet. Maybe they never would.  
  
The next few days following the debriefs were spent getting a new mission ready for us. Sark, my mother, my father, and I would be going to Romania to steal some disks with 'crucial information' on them from an accomplished arms dealer named Jared Marco. A quick swipe and run-nothing unusual for me.  
  
Of course, I would be playing the seductress role. Don't I always? It is almost sickening how it seems to be the only fool-proof way to get Intel. To seduce some old, ugly pervert for information. It is almost unbelievable.  
  
Sark never disapproves of my role. He somehow found a way to understand that what I do in the field can never be taken at face value, I am only playing a character, a simple role that will soon be forgotten.  
  
I have pretty much avoided my father since that first day, I'm just not ready to share anything too personal with him yet. The same goes for my mother. I can easily avoid her because it is really my choice to go visit her cell or hang out upstairs.  
  
I've never shared anything personal with anyone except Sark and Khasinau. Alexander Khasinau was like a father to me. He helped me through my pregnancy, got me off smack, comforted me when I lost Emily, my baby at birth, and trained me to be the best agent I could. Sark stayed by my side through thick and thin, never letting anything get him down, for my sake. I love him more than can be imagined.  
  
It is only 6 hours until the mission. We are boarding a private CIA jet to the Romanian capital and then taking a private car to our base about 80 miles from the Bucharest. That is where we will prepare for the evening party at Marco's and extraction precautions as well as the final mission specs.  
  
Sark and I are packing lightly, for we won't be wearing our own clothes for long. I'm wearing one of my every day outfits, even if the CIA thinks they are too revealing for a proper agent to be wearing. Sark says they're full of crap, and he's damn right.  
  
So, I've settled for a simple tank top and jean shorts, it is summer in Romania afterall, I'll fit right in. Screw those damn CIA bastards and their 'protocol'. I play only by my own rules.  
  
My mother has been implanted with some stupid tracker thing, not that I give a damn. Agents like her wouldn't have a problem losing the tracker in no time.   
  
We all board the plane in silence. I can already feel my father's glare on me as I sit in a far corner of the plane's cargo hold with Sark. But who is he to tell me I'm not wearing proper clothes? I stopped listening to his advice the day I ran away. He just met me all over again and he has no right to tell me what I've done wrong.  
  
My mother seems pretty pissed with my outfit as well, or maybe she's pissed that Sark and I are always all over each other. She's probably afraid we'll fuck up the mission. She doesn't know me at all. I'm never sloppy when on the job. Neither is Sark.  
  
My mother and father take the empty corners on each side of Sark and me. I sense a little tension between them. And to think they were worried about Sark and I having issues,.....  
  
Sark, I dunno, he seems rather possessive of me today. He gets like that when he gets tense. Not that I mind. We kiss passionately until I get tired and pull away, settling with letting him hold me tight to his chest.  
  
My mother is starting to look a bit guilty. What Sark said must have really evoked something in that head of hers. She must finally realize she doesn't know everything about daughter dearest....  
  
My dad is a bit reclusive as well, he hasn't said a word and it's been nearly an hour into our 7 hour flight. Neither has my mom though. Good.  
  
I suddenly feel a brilliant idea coming on. The cigarettes. Sark has a pack in his front pocket. I only smoke about one a day, same as him, but suddenly I'm feeling naughty. The perfect way to piss off the parents. Smoke in their faces.  
  
I tell Sark this and he smiles that secretive smile of his, quickly pulling the pack from his pocket. He lights one, sucks on it for a second, and then gives it to me. He doesn't bother lighting a second one because he knows I like to share. I can't handle too much. It isn't too good for my health either. And I don't want to go chaining again......  
  
When my parents start eyeing us, Sark holds out the pack.   
  
"Smoke?" He asks, cocking his eyebrow slightly.  
  
They both turn their heads away at nearly the same moment. I almost laugh.   
  
He replaces the pack in his pocket with a simple shrug of his shoulders.   
  
We stop at the one cig and nod off to sleep. A contented sleep. Something I don't get too often. No, there's just too many memories.....  
  
I wake up to the sound-or rather the feeling of the plane touching down. I always hated the way planes landed. Thud. Just like that. One completely, utterly jarring thud.  
  
As soon as we step off the plane, Sark and I are in full mission mode. We're playing a married couple. Not too far from our real relationship. Sark and I just never bothered to tie the knot. It just seemed meaningless at the time. It still does.  
  
My parents are playing, well.....my parents. Sark's in-laws. It was ironic. And just a bit silly...  
  
We arrive at our makeshift base one day before the party. In exactly 24 hours we'll be on the mission. Meaning we have more than enough time to prepare. I almost wish we didn't have much time, I could better avoid my parents if we had to go right away. I'll just deal with whatever comes my way.  
  
That night, there is still no speaking. Sark offers me some of the knock-out pills he takes on the nights before missions, to help him fully rest up, but I decline. I feel a need to be alert. It might be a bad idea though, considering it increases the risk of one of my nightmares. Nightmares about Emmy. The heroin. The junk. It's always a horrible nightmare, it is.  
  
Sark is out like a light in under five minutes, leaving me with my parents. There are four nice beds in the room. Sark is out on ours, but I never sleep near him when he takes the knock-outs. If he dreams while under their influence, he can get quite violent. So, I move to the only empty bed. Right between my parents' beds.  
  
"Aren't you, I thought...." My mother looks at me curiously.  
  
"What?" I am clearly clueless.  
  
"You don't...." She points to Sark hesitantly.  
  
"No," I realize what she's trying to say, "Not when he takes those things. He hits pretty hard when he dreams under them."  
  
She looks confused for a moment, but then nods quietly.  
  
I can see my father watching our exchange out of the corner of his eye. Doesn't matter.  
  
I slip into bed and nod off quickly....  
  
In the middle of the night, I wake suddenly, sweating. I had one of those damn nightmares.  
  
I suddenly realize someone else must be awake. The lamps on either side of me are on and I can gradually make out two faces at the foot of my bed. My parents. Great.  
  
"Who's Emmy?" My mother asks quietly.  
  
"What!?" I say it too fast, they know something's up now. Stupid me.  
  
"You kept saying 'Emmy'... over and over. You were almost,..well, screaming." My father looks stressed.  
  
I look over to Sark to see if I had woken him, but he's still asleep because of the pills.  
  
I decide, it's now or never.  
  
"Emmy....Emmy was..." I feel a few tears slip without my knowledge, and almost immediately my mother is at my side. My father pulls up a desk chair beside the bed as my mother plants herself right on my blanket.  
  
I hug myself tightly. Trying to make the memories go away. I can hear my mother urging me on...  
  
"You can tell us Sydney. Anything." She says, her lips quivering.  
  
My father looks more concerned than ever. "We're here for you. Maybe we weren't in the past...but we are now. Please. Let us help you."  
  
Several minutes later, I finally find my voice.  
  
"Emmy was my...daughter." I look up at each of them cautiously, curious of their reaction.  
  
I find disbelief and wonder in both pairs of eyes.  
  
"She was my baby girl. She was mine. She was mine." I start chanting it. Trying to make it go away. And trying to make it true at the same time.  
  
"You have a daughter?" My father asks carefully.  
  
"Past tense, Dad. I HAD a daughter. She died." I tell this quietly.  
  
"When?" It's all my mother can say. She looks absolutely stunned.  
  
"When I was 14, I got pregnant." I begin the story.  
  
But before I can even say another word, my father breaks in, "Was Sark the father....was he?" His face is starting to heat up…  
  
"Yes. No. I'm not sure." I let a sob escape. "I made us money by...I was a.... a prostitute." I finally spit out.  
  
Their eyes are bulging now, just absolutely bulging.  
  
"I ...We were on heroin. And other things." I continue. "When I found out I was...passing it on to a child, well, I just had to find a way to stop. I wouldn't hurt it. I just couldn't get rid of it either."  
  
"Then, Khasinau recruited us." I smiled faintly. "He got me and Sark off it all. But it was too late. The baby died in the birth canal. It was just too late. It was too poisoned. Too much poison. Too much smack." I let the tear fall quickly.  
  
My father was just about in tears. And my mother, well, she was past just the tears. In a second, her arms were around me, hugging me tightly to her. Desperate. Comforting. I forgave them both for everything. Right then. I might not have said it out loud, but it was just so relieving to get it off my chest that I could've forgiven just about anything and everything.  
  
I don't remember much after that. Just more crying and the feeling of my mother and father tucking me in for the first time since I could remember. It was a more wonderful feeling than I would've thought. 


	3. Chapter Three

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
  
A/N: Thanks so much for all the great feedback! Keep it coming and I will as well! I really get a kick out of reviews, they're like my fuel!!! Hint hint hint!!!! This one is a little shorter than the others-sorry! :)  
  
*  
  
Chapter Three: The Role Playing  
  
*  
  
When everything is so mixed up, the only thing you want to do is cry. But let me tell you a little secret, crying doesn't solve anything. -Five Down Below  
  
*  
I woke to the feeling of Sark's lips on mine. I playfully responded with a force equal to his. I could feel his hands starting to slide up my tank top, so I quickly pulled away. I definitely did NOT want to do this with my parents in the same room, much less a few feet away from us, probably awake and watching secretly.  
  
"Not here." I tell him, earning another familiar secretive smile from him.   
  
"Why not?" He prods.  
  
I shift my eyes from my mother to my father and back again. Sark does the same. Their breathing patterns are quick; they are awake.  
  
He smiles again and gives me one more kiss before raising himself carefully off of me. I miss the warmth he created.  
  
I'm just about ready to pull him right back down, regardless of who was watching, when I suddenly remember last night. I told them nearly everything. I'm sort of happy to have gotten it all out, but at the same time, I feel like I told two strangers about my whole life. I'm really not sure how to feel anymore.  
  
The mission is tonight, and it's just about time to run over the plan and get our outfits planned out. My parents are pretending to wake now, and so I get up and help Sark make breakfast in our little kitchenette. Who would have though a CIA base would have such quaint style?  
  
Coffee for everyone. We sit at the small dining table together, ready to lay out every detail of the plan.  
"Sydney and Irina will be going to the party as guests from a high-end escort service invited by Marco. The party will be held in the Fairmont Hotel lobby and guests are invited to stay in the hotel's complimentary suites. Your names have been added to the guest list by another agent. Once at the party, you will then proceed to find Marco and get him to take you to his room. Knock him out, get his safe open with one of the discramblers we give you, and get out without any trouble." Jack told us seriously. When is he ever not serious?  
  
"And what am I to be doing?" Sark asked.  
  
"You and I will be monitoring them through their comm.. links." Jack handed my mother and I two small earpieces and two small butterfly pins.   
  
"The pin is the transmitter and the earpiece is so Sark and I can speak to you in case anything goes wrong." As if we didn't know already….  
  
"Sounds good." I told them, rising from the table. I grabbed each of their cups and refilled it. I didn't refill my mother's cup though. I had a different plan for her.  
  
"Come on, Mom, let's go get pick out some outfits." I spoke enthusiastically. The outfits were always my favorite part. On these types of missions, where you played a whore, you got to wear the type of expensive outfits real hookers could never really afford. If you get my drift…  
  
My mother nodded carefully, probably suspicious of my enthusiasm, but followed me to the adjoining walk in closet and luxury bathroom.  
  
*  
  
"Sydney!" My mother said in a hush hush kind of way, "You cannot wear that!"   
  
"Why the hell not?" I screeched back.  
  
"Well, just look at yourself! It's just so...revealing." Irina whispered harshly.  
  
I looked down at the sheer mesh floor length jacket covering my black lace bra and panties. I'd worn less than this to a job. Numerous times. I then looked at my mother. She was wearing a solid colored silk jacket in red, the same ensemble hidden by it, except in red also.  
  
"Mom," I say seriously, "have we forgotten that this type of thing has been my way of making money for the past 10 years? I believe I know what I'm doing by now. Now then, you could use something a little less solid yourself." I raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
For a few seconds, she just flat out stared at me. I thought she was never going to say anything. I knew what she was doing, she was going to apologize. She felt sorry for me. Her sympathy was really the last thing I wanted right then. I started feeling awkward after about a minute, so I moved to the dressing table and started combing my dirty blond hair. Dirty. Just like me.  
  
"I'm sorry Sydney. I'm sorry you had to go through that." I knew it. She said it. She's 'sorry'. She has no idea.  
  
"Being sorry for something doesn't fix it. And I definitely don't need your sympathy right now, we need to prepare for the mission." I continued to brush though my medium-length locks, avoiding her eyes.  
  
She only nods, but she looks as if she's on the verge of tears. Well, so am I.  
  
"So what do you suggest I wear then?"  
  
I smile. 


	4. Chapter Four

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
  
A/N: This is another shortie! Sorry peeps! You just gotta review more, give my some inspiration!!!  
  
*  
Chapter Four: In Action  
  
*  
  
His hands are on you. You let him roam. With only the memory, that you are not alone. And when it's all over with, all you can do is sigh. Cause it's always gonna be this way, and this is how it's gonna stay. -Remorseful  
  
*  
  
I sat at the bar next to my mother and we both ordered the same drink. Scotch. Straight and strong.  
  
Within minutes, I found that my choice of outfits for us had worked as we became sandwiched between numerous men of several ages. All sweaty and horny and disgusting. They hovered over us, offering to buy us drinks, or to dance. We continued to decline until we saw Marco approach our little group.  
  
He carefully eyed my mother first, and then me. He must have been around his late 40's, closer to my mother's age, but instead of asking her to dance, he asked me. The one that was definitely too young for him. I had to suppress a gag.  
  
"Would you like to dance, mi lady?" His eyes never met mine as he was busy scoping out my body. Are all guys like this?  
  
"I would love to." I replied luringly.  
  
My mother looked slightly annoyed that he picked me, and then slightly disgusted and disapproving. But I let him lead me away to the dance floor regardless. This was a mission, it needed to be completed no matter who's self-esteem was jeopardized.  
  
"I am Jared Marco, the host of this party." He whispered into my ear and his greasy palms found my lower back. "And who might you be, you beautiful young lady?" He sneered.  
  
"I'm with the escort agency. You hired me." I didn't ever bother to give my name. He wouldn't have cared.  
  
Almost the very second after I said this, his hand moved down to my butt. Pig.  
  
The other hand, was seemingly occupied with my breast.  
  
"Ahh, I've hired another winner I see." He smiled. "Come with me."   
  
He grabbed my wrist roughly, pulling me off the dance floor and toward the elevator.  
  
"Wait." I stopped him at the elevator's doors. "You must excuse the hassle, but I do request that you invite my co-worker to join us. She is an expert." I add, smiling seductively.  
  
"Of course."   
  
He leads me back to the bar and I summon my mother, who remained with her drink.  
  
She takes the hint and follows closely behind us, leaving her drink behind.  
  
A minute later, we are in his suite. It must have had more than four rooms, for it took up the entire floor. There were other girls there, drinking and chatting. I thought he was going to have us join him, but instead he grasped my wrist again and hungrily sucked on my mouth. My mother took another hint and joined the waiting girls.  
  
He tried tearing off my clothes right there in the main room, in front of everyone. My mother looked absolutely appalled and disgusted with him, maybe even a bit worried for me?. I backed my way to the nearest door and luckily, it opened into a bedroom. He shut it behind him.   
  
About a second after it shut, he was out cold on the nicely carpeted floor.  
  
I turned on my comm. "Where are the documents located?" I asked Sark and my father.  
  
"They're behind the painting on the wall, in a safe. The code is 431247." My father answers me.  
  
"Got em'" I tell them, out of breath.  
  
"See you at the extraction point." Sark hurtles back before my father. How nice, they're already competing for my love.  
  
"Over and out." I sounded SO Mission Impossible.  
  
I left the room, fixing my outfit. I grabbed my mother and we left without a hitch. Well, aside from another notch to go above his bed. 


	5. Chapter Five

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
  
A/N: Jeez, this one is pretty short too....In this chapter, you need to assume that Ally/Sydney has become accustomed to being called Sydney by her parents and therefore, I will be referring to her as Sydney instead of Ally like I usually do. I just think it makes it easier and more enjoyable to read! Also, Vaughn may start becoming a bigger part VERY SOON!!! ; ) Thanks for reading!!!   
  
*  
  
Chapter Five: Return of the Past  
  
*  
  
I knew you wanted to tell me, in your voice there was something wrong, but if you would turn your face away from me, you cannot tell me you're so strong...just let me ask of you one small thing, as we have shared so many tears with fervor our dreams we planned a whole lifelong now are scattered in the wind...- 'The Path of Thorns' Sarah McLachlan  
  
*  
When everyone returned home, business seemed to go on as usual. I had become increasing closer to my parents, seeing my mom nearly every other day and my dad every single day at work. I was happy. Something I never thought I could feel after K-Directorate was taken down and Alexander killed. they had been my whole world for so long, it just seemed impossible to move on, but still, here I am. I made it.  
  
Sark and I have bought a house. A small one. One bedroom, one bathroom. Cheap and quaint, just like I always wanted it.  
  
No kids. He doesn't want kids. I think it's hard for him to consider after Emily. We changed our world for her, but we failed her also. He couldn't ever forgive himself for that.  
  
I do want kids, I'll admit that. Not now, maybe not for a few more years. Maybe, by then, Sark will have had a change of heart. I can still hope, after all. Can't I?  
  
I haven't been assigned a mission in a while, but I still tend to hang out at work more than at home. Sark has been a bit distant, even secretive in the last few days. In fact, it has been more than a week since we made love, and that's really unusual for us. Sark mostly. He's always promiscuous. But not recently. Something's up. I just don't know what yet.  
  
So, since he stays at home, I stay at work. Simple enough, or for now at least. I will confront him soon, in fact, I might tonight. That's it. I will. Tonight, I will go home, and demand to know what the hell is going on. Confrontation may not be the best way to go, but what are my other options?  
  
I get up from my desk, seeing it is nearly 11 PM. I see a few agents I saw on my first day, laughing. There's a whole group of them in the corner, just bubbling with laughter. I remember what laughing was like. Faintly. The last time I laughed, a real laugh, not a druggie laugh, not a fake laugh, a real laugh, was when I was 13. Before I ever left home. Even then, it might have been a strained one. I can't really recall.  
  
I grab my bag, get in my car, drive home, open the front door, and the rest is just foggy.  
  
I remember putting my bag down. Calling out Sark's name. Seeing him on the couch. At first glance, I thought he was simply asleep. I walked closer, his lips were blue. His eyes were open, bloodshot. His expression, both blissful and deathly afraid at the same time. He wasn't breathing. He OD-ed. I knew it then. That was why he was reclusive. He was taking smack again.  
  
Then next thing I remember, I am at work. I don't know who I'm looking for. My dad, my mom. I just don't recall. Someone. Anyone. Everyone.  
  
The only people there are the agent's whose names I was told on the first day I arrived. I don't remember a single one though. The bulky man with black hair. The blonde woman. The sandy-haired man. I just don't remember. Everything is so blurry. Confused.   
  
The sandy-haired man turns in his chair, and meets my eyes. My eyes are stinging from my mascara running down into them, but I keep them open. Fixated on him. Something briefly flashes in his eyes as he gets up from his chair, and walks over to me. And he hugs me, just suddenly, with nearly no warning whatsoever. I cling to him. His arms are strong, confining, comforting, warm. We've captured the attention of the other few agents, who look confused, and perhaps stunned. A girl like me, recovered junkie-punk with a nose ring, being hugged by someone I can't even remember the name of.  
  
He releases me and takes me to an empty conference room, shutting the door.  
  
He sits, as do I, but we say nothing.  
  
I cry quietly.  
  
"What...happened?" He asks me quietly, as if not to disturb me in my morning.  
  
"He....Sark...He OD-ed." I whisper, my eyes darting around in their sockets, seeing him on the couch all over again.  
  
"I'm sorry....Are you sure?" He asks faintly.  
  
I nod. "The heroin. It killed Emily. It killed him. It killed everyone." I whisper, not knowing if he can hear or not.   
  
He bows his head.  
  
"It didn't kill you." He says after a mute minute.  
  
I eye him carefully. "Not yet. I'm strong."  
  
"It's stronger. It's stronger than everyone." He whispers harshly.  
  
I stare at him, confused. I cock my head.  
  
"My sister said that. The week before she died." He pauses. "She always told me she could beat it. She could quit anytime she wanted. She lied." He is almost in tears, it's plain to the eye. He has gone through just what I have. But he saved himself.  
  
I reach across the table, taking his hand that sits so still in my own.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
We understand.  
  
For once, we really understand.  
  
We need each other. We need each other to beat it. And keep it away. Forever.  
Forever. 


	6. Chapter Six

TITLE: Smack  
AUTHOR: Sun Tzu(me)  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to ALIAS. Just expressing my talent through fanfiction.  
SUMMARY: AU-Sydney ran away from her life with her father. What happens when years later, her world comes crashing down and old memories are revoked? WIP  
A/N: Many of the concepts of this story are taken from the book 'Smack' by Melvin Burgess. Great book. Really speaks the truth. I am comparing Sydney to both Lily and Gemma. If you read it or have read it you would really enjoy it! SD-6 doesn't exist and therefore Jack is not a double agent! Sydney is only 24 years old.  
  
FEEDBACK: Sure, why not? Keeps the updates coming!  
  
A/N: Vaughn has now become a bigger part!!! YAY!!! It's going to get fluffy! This is the last chapter ppl!  
  
*  
  
Chapter Six: Savior  
  
*  
  
It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all, the life I've left behind me is a cold room, I've crossed the last line from where I can't return where every step I took in faith betrayed me and led me from my home and sweet, sweet surrender is all that I have to give, you take me in, no questions asked, you strip away the ugliness that surrounds me, you are an angel, am I already that gone? I only hope that I won't disappoint you.  
- 'Sweet Surrender' Sarah McLachlan  
  
*  
I loved Sark, I really did. He was my world for nearly 11 years. He never left me alone, even when things got rough. When I got pregnant, when we were recruited, everywhere, he was with me. Sark will always be with me. He was the one I shared my teenhood with. The one person who ever bothered to get to know me. Inside and out. And in a way, he has given me the ultimate gift. He has sacrificed himself, possibly unknowingly, and let me meet my soulmate. My savior. He let me go just so I could be truly and fully contented and best of all, happy.  
  
What Vaughn gives and shows me every day is love. He loves me, and the best part is, I love him back. For maybe the first time, I actually love someone as much as they love me.  
  
He gives me reason to live, reason to fight it all away. Without him, I would have been far gone by now. He promises me the moon. He promises to give me a new life. And somehow, even though we really just met, I feel like I've known him a lifetime. And I believe every promise he makes, as much as every breath he takes.  
  
We are fighting together now.  
  
Our pasts have been unraveled. Every detail unsewn. In a mass of tears and sobs, we get it all out. He's been through so much, as have I. Our pasts brought us together, united us, two people who might not have even noticed each other if our lives had not played out as they had.  
  
Michael Vaughn is my messiah. There's no doubt about that.  
  
I come out of my blissful reverie to hear Vaughn calling my name.  
  
"Morning Syd." He smiles, and I smile back. A real smile. A real laugh.  
  
"Morning." It has been nearly two months since that fateful night when I found Sark dead. Vaughn has been with me all the way.  
  
There's no more smack. No more drugs. No more cigarettes. No more piercing, besides my ears. I let them all close up. All the old wounds disappear. The tattoos still hover on my pale skin, but I give them no praise, no attention. Vaughn has a tattoo too. On his left arm. One he got when he was on smack. Just like mine.   
  
And one other thing, I've gone from dirty blond to solid brown. I'm not dirty anymore. There's something you feel when you're clean. It makes you more beautiful than any drug ever did. It makes you kind, it makes you immaculate. It makes you happy to be you. Happy to be alive. Happy to have survived.  
  
I live with Vaughn now, in his apartment. I hang out with his friends, his family. I talk to my parents. My mother told me, shortly after I got involved with Vaughn, that she murdered his father when she worked for the KGB. It was an awful day, that day. Tears and screaming and then apologies.   
  
And yet, there's something more I discovered about Vaughn after that day, I discovered that he could forgive like no one else ever could. It's like this gift he has. He can excuse the worst things, the most terrible, unbelieveable things, and love me. He still loves me. Through it all, he loves me most.  
  
We're getting married this spring.  
  
*  
The End  
*  
  
Do y'all want a sequel? I have more ideas if you do! 


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